


Falling Backwards

by newtheglue



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death Fix, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Protective Nick Clark, Slow Burn, after the dam, more characters will be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:58:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtheglue/pseuds/newtheglue
Summary: Thank you for reading! Sorry that it's so short, but I promise that chapters will eventually become longer. Let me know what you think. All comments are appreciated! :)





	1. Chapter One

_Not for me._  
  
He’d screamed the words at his mother. His mother, who had made half-assed attempts to excuse the fact that she’d killed her son’s best friend. After everything he’d been through with Troy, after getting to know the fragile man underneath his seemingly unbreakable exterior, after hating him, after _loving_ him, how could Troy’s death _possibly_ be for Nick’s benefit? He couldn’t see the reason for his friend’s death, much less how it helped him.  

He supposes it’s just another bullet on his mother’s list of lies.  
  
_Not for me._  
  
That’s what he thinks as he takes the detonator. It’s for Madison, for Alicia, even Strand. It’s not for his own stupid, suicidal reasons. He’s doing this for his family.

At least that’s what he tells himself.  
  
_Not for me,_ he thinks as he presses the button. It’s for the good of everyone. If the Proctors are gone, if Daniel is gone, hell, if he’s gone, then the world is better off.  
  
Nick barely crushes down the part of him that hopes the flood will take Madison. She’d taken everything from him. She’d taken his free-will the moment he entered the world, she’d taken his confidence by the time he hit double-digits, his hope when she’d killed Celia, and now…  
  
Now she had taken his heart.  
  
_Not for me._  
  
As the dam crumbles, and the water fills every last crevice, breaking apart the place these people had called home for months, Nick smiles. _Good_. _Maybe now,_ he thinks, _they’ll know how it felt to lose him._  
  
He takes a soft breath, fingers curling against the metal fence, his entire body resigned to his fate.  
  
But clearly, his body was the only thing that was.  
  
A hand grips at his shoulder. “ Nicholas,” the slurred voice of Daniel rings in his ears. “Nicholas, we must hurry. We must leave.”  
  
“No,” Nick replies flatly, without hesitation.  
  
“Nicholas-”

“ _No_ _,_ ” Nick says, harsher this time. “Leave me, Daniel. Get out of here. Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.”  
  
Daniel’s eyes turn angry, he raises a fist, and Nick’s world goes black.

* * *

  
  
Nick wakes with a pulsing headache. Actually, scratch that- his whole body aches. Every muscle in his body feels bruised.

“ _Fuck,_ ” he mutters under his breath. It feels as if he’s been hit by a car, which, mind you, he has _literally_ felt before.  
  
“You are awake,” says a voice from beside him. Daniel. His voice is still warped, but it’s improved slightly since the last time Nick had heard him speak. It sounds as if he's underwater. Nick isn't sure if that's due to Daniel's injury, if if his hearing was fucked up in the explosion.  
  
Nick doesn’t bother to open his eyes, fearful that he may be met with bright lights. “Yeah,” he huffs, “I’m awake. I shouldn’t even be _alive_ right now, so thanks a lot for that.”  
  
“I saved you. You should be grateful.”  
  
“I _wanted_ to die.” Nick finally opens his eyes to glare at Daniel. He’s lying on a small bed, Daniel sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed. The room he’s in is rather dark, minus the light filtering in from the windows opposite to him. “Why didn’t you just let me?”  
  
Daniel leans back. “Because you are young. You have much left to give the world,” his voice has gone softer, sounding almost sad. “Had my Ofelia been in the same situation, your mother would have saved her.”  
  
“My mother wouldn’t save anyone,” Nick shakes his head, huffing a bitter laugh.  
  
“Not anyone, no. But she would have saved my daughter. She knows me. She would not kill a friend.”  
  
“She killed _my_ friend,” Nick snarls. “She knew _his_ family, just like she knew yours. That didn’t stop her from killing him.”  
  
“Troy?” Daniel asks.  
  
“Yeah. _Troy_ _,_ ” Nick’s voice goes quiet, the name feeling like ash in his mouth. “She _knew_ …” His voice breaks, “She knew how much he-” The words catch in his throat.

“Your mother would not hurt you intentionally.”

“Really?” Nick laughs. It’s a bitter sound. Nick reminds himself of his father in that moment. He wonders briefly if his dad had felt this way in the end; lost, feeling as if his chance at happiness had been torn from his fingers. “‘Cause I’m not so sure.” He scrapes his nails down his arm- some pathetic attempt to feel more than the emptiness threatening to swallow him whole. “She destroys everything. _Everything_. First my father, then me, then Travis, Alicia, Strand… _Troy_.” Nick’s hands curl into loose fists. “I just… I…”

Daniel sits silently, not rushing him to continue, but not opening his mouth to speak either.

“I hate her for it,” Nick finishes after a moment. He hates _himself_ more, knowing that he still loves his mother more than anyone. Anyone alive, that is. “She didn’t even… she wouldn’t let me… Troy is still down there. He’s _alone_. Whether his body is still trapped, or if the water took it, he’s alone. And that’s  _her_ fault. How could she just-”

“Nicholas,” Daniel interrupts.

Nick clenches his jaw, blinking away unshed tears. “What?”

“There is something I need to show you.” He stands, gesturing for Nick to follow. Nick gets to his feet hesitantly, wobbling just a bit, before meeting Daniel at the entrance to the room.  
  
Daniel leads him out, and takes him through several hallways. Nick thinks they’re in a dormitory of sorts, if the college posters and the multiple rooms are any indication. Nick almost laughs when he remembers Daniel calling Troy a college student. _Almost._  
  
Daniel finally stops outside of a door. He turns, casting Nick a worried glance, before he opens the door.  
  
Nick takes a step in, before he stops dead in his tracks, heart falling to his stomach.  
  
Because lying on the bed, unmoving and wrapped in bandages, but breathing nonetheless, is Troy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry that it's so short, but I promise that chapters will eventually become longer. Let me know what you think. All comments are appreciated! :)


	2. Chapter Two

_“How?”_ Nick chokes out, stumbling towards the bed. He stares at the rise and fall of his friend’s chest for a moment, before bringing his eyes to Troy’s face. His head is wrapped with bandages, and a nasty bruise covers nearly half of his face.

“Before I came to get you,” Daniel answers, voice tight.

“Thank you,” Nick breathes out shakily. He trails his fingers across Troy’s arms, needing to feel the other man’s physical presence. _He’s here. He’s alive._   _Troy._ “Thank you so much, Daniel. You have no idea-”

“I did not get him for you.”

Nick’s blood runs cold. He turns his head to see Daniel staring at them, eyes hard. Nick’s hand curls protectively around Troy’s wrist, as if that alone will shield him from harm. “Then… why? I already told you everything that happened. The ranch… that was Jake.”

“I know,” Daniel says, “I want to see if your friend will say the same. Because if he does not…”

“If he doesn’t, then you won’t touch him,” Nick growls. “I don’t give a shit _what_ he says.”

“If he is the reason for my Ofelia’s death, then he will pay.” Daniel sounds angry, in a cold, tired sort of way. “I have made sure he will not succumb to his wounds. If he dies now, it is because _I_ killed him.”

“No harm will come to him while I’m here.”

“Did your mother not strike him down while you were there?”

Not giving Nick the opportunity to reply, Daniel storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Nick nearly goes after him, but stops when a small whimper comes from Troy. Nick turns back to his friend at the sound.

Troy’s eyebrows are slightly furrowed, a small frown on his lips. Nick sighs deeply. “S’okay, man,” he whispers, not sure if the noise would invoke another bad reaction from Troy. “He won’t hurt you. I won’t let anything like… _that_ … happen again. I promise.”

Nick doesn’t know what he expected. Troy to open his eyes maybe? Maybe he had expected the breathing to stop, for Troy’s body to vanish, and for this to be another drug-induced hallucination. But nothing happens. Troy’s eyes stay shut, and his chest continues to rise and fall.

 _Suicide-proof,_ he’d called himself once. But as he watches over Troy’s unconscious form, he thinks that _lucky_ may have been a more fitting word.

* * *

 

The next few days go by agonizingly slow. He spends most of them stationed at Troy’s side, knowing he can safely avoid Daniel, and that he’ll likely be there when his friend wakes.

He ventures outside of the building on two occasions to scout for supplies in nearby buildings. He doesn’t have much luck, only managing to scrape up enough food for the next few days, if he rations right.

Sometimes Daniel tries to speak to him, other times the man seems to hate him. Nick doesn’t give a shit. As soon as Troy wakes up, he’s taking his friend and getting the hell out.

He’s currently sat beside Troy’s bed, nose buried in a book about Greek mythology. There are books everywhere. It’s one of the perks of being stuck at a college, he supposes. Troy makes small snuffling noises every so often, but otherwise, the room stays quiet.

That is, until Troy lets out a groan. Nick drops his book immediately, hands fumbling to grab his friend’s wrist. He breathes a sigh of relief when he finds there’s still a pulse.

Then, ever so slightly, Nick notices Troy’s eyes fluttering. “Troy?” He asks quietly, afraid the sudden noise will startle his friend.

Troy’s mouth opens slightly, like he’s trying to speak but the words won’t come to him.

Nick - not for the first time - fears that Troy may have suffered severe brain damage. That’ll happen when your friend’s mom hits you in the head with a hammer. _Twice._

Nick is about to move his hand, when he hears a quiet, “N-… N-Nick?” Then Troy’s eyes finally crack open slightly. They’re red, almost as if the boy is high again, but his irises are blue as ever.

Nick’s shoulders sag in relief. “Hey, man,” he whispers, unable to refrain from smiling. _He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay._ When Troy tries to move, Nick pushes gently on his shoulders. “Hey, don’t… don’t try to get up just yet, okay?”

“Where-” Troy breaks off, looking frustrated. He gnaws at his bottom lip, eyebrows knitting together.

Nick grits his teeth, worry rolling off of him in waves. “Where are we?” He guesses. Troy nods. “Some college dorm.” Then, before Troy can even try to speak, he says, “Daniel saved us.”

Troy looks more confused now.

“He doesn’t have pure motives,” Nick says with a grimace, “so the sooner we can get you outta here, the better.” With that, Nick passes Troy the water bottle that’s been resting on the nightstand. Troy takes it gratefully, downing half of it in record time. “Hey, hey, slow down. You’ll hurt yourself.”

Troy takes his next few sips a lot slower. He hands the bottle back to Nick with a soft, “Th-thanks.”

Nick smiles in return, trying to appear as calm as possible on the outside. Because on the inside… he’s freaking the fuck out.

What are they going to do when Daniel inevitably shows up to check on Troy? Nick doesn’t know that Troy will even be able to answer Daniel’s questions, and frankly, he doesn’t know that Daniel won’t try to kill them both if he doesn’t get information from them.

“You…” Troy starts, sounding cautious, “You’re wor-worried. Why?” Nick finally notes the slight stutter as something that may be more serious than he initially thought. He could handle that. Nick would deal with whatever damage his mother left him with. This is _Troy,_ dammit.

“Nothing, just…” Nick hesitates, “The ranch… Daniel thinks Jake did it.” A look of hurt crosses Troy’s face at the mention of his brother. Nick ignores the twinge of guilt that comes from deep within his chest. “And it’s gonna stay that way, alright? No more dumb confessions,” he keeps his voice quiet, on the off chance that Daniel’s listening. “I’m trying to keep you alive.”

“Where- where’s your family?”

“They’re gone.” At Troy’s shocked expression, Nick adds, “Not dead. I don’t think. I blew the dam. They were escaping on a boat. Strand was with them.”

Troy clearly has more questions, but seems to be exhausted at forcing words to leave his mouth. Instead, he points at Nick’s discarded book.

Nick furrows his brows, before a soft smile creeps onto his face. “You want me to read to you?”

Nick pretends not to notice Troy’s blush as the other man nods curtly. His smile widens as he begins to read to Troy about Achilles. Before long, Troy has drifted off to sleep again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all enjoyed! :)  
> I’ll be on a cruise for the next week, and won’t have any way to access this account. Please be patient with the next chapter!


	3. Chapter Three

“You are awake.”

 Daniel’s voice jolts Nick into consciousness. He doesn’t know when he fell asleep. Probably not long after Troy had.

 He looks up to see Daniel standing in the doorway, staring at a very alert Troy.

 Troy looks slightly nervous, his eyes flickering to Nick then back to Daniel.

 “Nicholas did not tell me,” Daniel says, moving forward and clapping Nick on the shoulder. Nick jumps slightly at the contact. Daniel has an unnerving smile on his face, like he’s trying to lull Troy into a false sense of security. Nick would like to think his friend isn’t naive enough to fall for it, but he also knows that Troy has a habit of trusting any parental figure who so much as looks his way.

 “Sorry,” Nick says, attempting to make his voice sound as light as possible. “If it’s any consolation, he wasn’t awake very long.”

 “Ah, well,” Daniel dismisses. “How are you feeling, Troy?”

 “F-Fine.”

 Daniel looks confused. “There is no need to be nervous, boy.” _Yeah, right._

 “I’m… I’m not.” Troy’s jaw clenches. “I just-” He breaks off, looking more frustrated by the second. “I can’t-”

 “He was kind of… stuttering,” Nick offers. “Is that normal?”

 “You suffered an injury to the left brain,” Daniel says to Troy. “It was likely that you would suffer from some kind of damage. Speech damage is common. Yours does not sound severe.”

 “Does… does it go away?” Troy asks.

 “Yours? Most likely,” Daniel answers, looking impatient. He wrings his hands, shifting his weight occasionally. Finally, he says, “Troy… I have a few questions I would like ask you.”

 Nick nearly rolls his eyes. Or starts crying. Or both. Troy just blinks expectantly.

 “Nicholas tells me that your brother led the herd to the ranch. The same herd that killed my daughter.”

 Troy’s fingers curl into his blankets. “Yeah. J-Jake… he, uh… after Dad died…” Troy’s voice is thick. “He lost it.”

 Daniel hums. “Your father… he was killed by Nick, yes?” Troy’s mouth twitches. “Why would you be friends with the man who killed your family?”

 “My dad… he wasn’t good, sir,” Troy says, voice low.

 “Neither was your brother.”

 Nick sees how that bothers Troy. His friend’s body language _screams_ angry, and Nick isn’t sure if it’s directed at Daniel or himself. “Guess not,” is all Troy manages to say.

 “Tell me,” Daniel starts, pacing the room, “was your brother prone to… psychotic outbursts like this? Leading the herd- was it in character for him?”

 Troy hesitates. “Yes,” he answers finally. Nick hates how guilty Troy sounds. He doesn’t know that Daniel can even detect it. Troy was always hard for other people to read.

 “Troy told me stories about Jake as a kid,” Nick interrupts. Daniel’s gaze turns to him. “Jake was taken out of school when he was younger because of his behavior. He was forced to stay at the ranch his whole life. It was all he had. And when I killed their father, and Madison and Walker took control, they banished him. He wanted revenge.” Nick ignores the glance Troy sends his way. “Troy and I tried to stop him. We tried to stop the herd.”

 Daniel hums again. He begins making his way towards the door.

 “It sounds like Jake was an issue,” he says flatly. Nick’s blood freezes.

 “He was.” _God, Troy, shut the hell up._

 “He needed to die.” Daniel turns slightly to look at the them, eyes searching their expressions lazily.

 “Y- he did.” _Troy, shut your mouth right now!_

 Nick reaches his hand to tap Troy’s wrist lightly. Troy stiffens.

 “It is a good story you tell,” Daniel’s voice is emotionless. “It is too bad you are both liars.”

 Daniel locks the door.

 Nick scrambles from his chair, angling himself so he’s in front of Troy. “Daniel, just listen-”

 “No!” Daniel snarls. “He killed my daughter! Your mother was right to try and kill him!”

 “Please, Daniel! _Please_ ,” Nick begs. “You’re angry. You don’t know-”

 “I know what I’m doing. I am killing the man who killed Ofelia.” Daniel pulls a knife from his belt. “He is a monster, Nick. Do not try to defend him.”

 Nick feels desperation clawing at his chest, threatening to consume him entirely. “Daniel, _please_.”

  _Not again. I can’t lose him again. I won’t be able to-_

 “Let him,” Troy says, voice steady.

 “Troy, no-”

 “C’mon, Nicky. It ain’t like I don’t- don’t deserve it. I killed Walker’s people. I f-forgave my dad for the shit he did. Those people at the- at the border? I killed ‘em.” After a moment, he adds, “I shot Luciana. _Travis_ woulda lived if it weren’t for me.”

 “Shut up!” Nick says, voice rough with emotion. “I forgave you for that, ‘cause you forgave me. Daniel can forgive you, because my family forgave him for the people he killed before, okay?” Looking at Daniel, he growls, “You remember that? You killed people _before_ this shit started. We took you into our group, _knowing_ who you were. I’m asking you, _please_ , Daniel, do the same for Troy.”

 “Ofelia was _kind_ to you!” Daniel shouts. “And yet you defend her murderer?!”

 “Ofelia was killed by the dead!” He laughs bitterly, “And _really?_ She was _kind_ to me? She almost _killed_ me!”

 Nick vaguely registers Troy trying to get up behind him. He doesn’t have time to look, too concerned with taking advantage of Daniel’s shocked expression.

 “She poisoned me with anthrax, Daniel. _Anthrax._  I almost died. Our militia _did_ die.” Nick takes a cautious step forward. “Troy didn’t hurt her, okay? Troy didn’t even know her- not ‘til she was already bit.”

 “She… it was you that Walker spoke of. Why would she poison _you?”_ Daniel sounds defeated, his grip on the knife loosening.

 “Daniel, _please_ …” Nick whispers, voice sincere, “just put down the knife, and I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

 “And if I don’t like what you have to say?”

 Nick swallows. “Then it won’t be hard to kill a junkie and someone who just woke up from a coma.”

 Nick turns his head slightly to see Troy standing on the opposite side of the bed, hands braced on the bed to partially support his weight. The other man gives him a slight nod, and Nick turns back to Daniel.

 Daniel exhales softly before setting the knife gently on the table near him.

 Nick thanks his years of running from the cops and Madison for his heightened speed, because before Daniel can blink, Nick has already grabbed the knife and plunged it into the older man’s throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Season 4: Daniel who ??  
> Me, sighing: fine I’ll do it myself


	4. Chapter Four

Nick’s ears are ringing. His ears are ringing and there’s _so much_ blood and Daniel-

His eyes move slowly from the knife to Daniel’s shocked face. Blood spills onto Nick’s hand as he removes the knife. Daniel’s lips move, as if he’s trying to say something, but all that comes from his mouth is blood.

_“Nick,”_ he vaguely hears Troy say as Daniel falls back. Nick watches, half shocked.

Nick _did_ this. _He killed- he…_

_Oh, god…_

_Again._

_You should feel guilty,_ his mind chides. _This wasn’t Jeremiah. This was your friend. This was Ofelia’s father! Snap out of it! Feel something!_

Nick ignores his thoughts, turning to face his friend. He absentmindedly wipes his forehead, not realizing he’s smeared blood across his face until it almost drips into his eyes.

Troy stumbles toward him unsteadily, legs still not moving how they should. “N-Nick,” he says again, softer. He looks _afraid._

“He was gonna _kill_ us,” Nick replies, his mind suddenly clear. His ears stop ringing. Why the hell was _Troy_ afraid? “Don’t look at me like you haven’t done worse,” he says, harsher than he meant.

“No, it’s-it’s not that.”

Nick doesn’t bother asking what he meant, instead looking back at Daniel. He’s not dead yet, if the bizarre gurgles spilling from his mouth are any indication.

It’s nauseating and gruesome and _wrong_ and _why does it feel easy?_

“I guess I’m more like my mom than I thought,” Nick says, some ugly, humorless smile appearing on his face.

He _hates_ it. He _hates_ how easy it is to kill. He hates that his reasons for Daniel and Jeremiah’s deaths were selfish - his mother’s approval and Troy’s safety.

He hates that he doesn’t feel guilty for it.

He wonders if this is how his mom had felt when she’d killed Celia, when she took a hammer to his best friend’s head; if she’d felt no guilt, telling herself it was okay as long as he and his sister were safe.

He’s no different from her, no matter how much he pretends to be like his father. He isn’t sure if it makes him sick or proud.

Troy offers a small grin. “Y-Yeah. Or you’re more like me.”

Nick huffs. “I thought we’d already established that. Black sheep, children of violence, all that shit.”

Troy shakes his head, laughing breathily. “Give me th-the knife, killer.”

The remnants of Nick’s tiny smile falls. _Killer._ He remembers Troy looking so real in his hallucination, the nickname sounding like Troy had really said it.

He flips the knife absentmindedly, handing it to Troy hilt first. And when that had happened- trusting Troy so freely- Nick was unsure.

His trust seems well-founded, though, because when Troy takes the knife, he drives it through Daniel’s skull, rather than Nick’s. The blade leaves his former friend/traveling companion’s skull with a sickening _squelch_ sound. Nick digs his fingernails into his palm.

Troy heaves a heavy breath, holding the knife out for Nick to take. Nick grabs it, forcing a smirk on his face. “You? Putting people out of their misery? What’s the world coming to?”

Troy snorts. “M-More like keeping you from be-becoming Daniel’s next meal.”

Nick shakes his head. “Nah, I think you’re gettin’ soft, psycho.”

Troy just rolls his eyes in response.

“C’mon,” Nick says, “let’s get outta here before he starts to smell.”

With that, they leave the room, and Nick can’t help but feel that he’s left part of his soul there as well.

* * *

 

Troy seems confused when Nick leads them to another dorm. “We- We aren’t leaving?”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Troy, you literally just woke up from a _coma.”_ He plops down on one of the beds. “We’re resting for a few more days, okay? Don’t lose it on me.”

“Nick-”

Nick glares at his friend. “No. You need to heal, Troy.” When Troy still doesn’t look convinced, Nick adds, “Do I need to remind you of what happened the last time you went out into the world unrested?”

Troy stiffens. “Fine,” he says after a moment, voice unsteady. The silence is tense for a bit, until Troy says, “B-But don’t blame me when you start g-gettin’ cabin fever.”

Nick snorts, and just like that, their atmosphere is back to normal.

They remain silent for a while, both of them lying on their beds, staring at the ceiling.

Nick thinks about Daniel, about how easy it had been to kill him, how the blood that still covered his hands and face didn’t even make his stomach churn anymore.

He thinks about before, and he wonders if he’d always been a monster. He wonders if he would’ve ended up killing someone in the old world, or if he’d just end up killing himself. Both seem likely.

He thinks about Alicia, and he hopes she’s alive.

He thinks about his mother. He doesn’t know if he wants her dead or alive.

He thinks about Troy, and questions his sanity for the umpteenth time. Troy, who is insane and _cruel_ and a total _psycho_ who got Ofelia and Jake killed, among countless others. Troy, who killed an entire family just because they tried to leave the ranch, their teenage daughter included. Troy, who tortured and killed people in the name of science.

He thinks about Troy, and how _different_ he can be. Troy, who worries about Nick even when they’re so high that they can barely walk. Troy, who gets nervous and fidgety when he’s the center of attention. Troy, who so obviously _feels_ \- and maybe that’s the problem. Troy, who has that one smile reserved just for Nick. Troy, who can be so heartbreakingly _innocent_ at times that Nick forgets he’s a killer.

Troy, who Nick is so, _so_ in love with.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is short. A lot has been going on in the ole irl!  
> Before you go thinking Nick’s reaction to killing Daniel was rushed, don’t please! I think Nick is most definitely someone who acts, and then has to deal with the consequences later, like Troy. And Nick… he’ll definitely be remembering his actions for a while. ;)


	5. Chapter Five

_Nick dreams._

_He dreams of the dam. Of rock flying in every direction. It all misses him._

_His family is swept away. Strand. Alicia. Mom. Gone._

_He thinks he’s crying._

_There’s blood. So much blood that the water turns from murky blue to rust._  

_His fingers are curled against the fence._

_He turns and there’s Daniel._

_A knife protrudes from his throat. His cheek is bloodied from Strand’s bullet. He opens his mouth. More blood._

_There’s a hand on his shoulder. Nick turns._

_Troy._

_Blood drips from Troy’s temple._

_Nick wants to sob, or scream, or speak, but his mouth won’t open. It tastes of iron._  

_Jeremiah and Jake stand behind Troy. There’s a long cut around Jeremiah’s neck, and a bullet hole in his head. Jake’s arm is gone. His eyes are glazed over._

_There’s so much blood. There’s always blood._

_Drip, drip, drip._

_It won’t stop._

_Nick looks at his blood-covered hands._

_And the dam falls._

 

* * *

 

“Nick, I-I’m going crazy,” Troy says three days after Daniel’s death.

Nick snorts, glancing at his friend. Troy is pressed against the wall, sitting cross-legged on his bed, at least five books surrounding him. “Tell me something I don’t know.” 

Troy throws one of the books at him. Nick dodges it, much to his friend’s annoyance. “ _Nick_.”

Nick huffs. _“Fine.”_ He looks his friend over. He’s helped Troy change the bandages a few times, and while the wound isn’t pretty, it’s healing. The bruise that covers a good portion of his face has shifted from a deep purple to a purple-green shade. He’s getting better, and as much as Nick wants to, they can’t stay here forever. “You think you’ll be good to leave tomorrow?”

“Hell yeah,” Troy smiles. It fades as quickly as it had appeared, which saddens Nick a bit. “Will y-you be?” At Nick’s confused look, he adds, “Are you gonna… are you gonna l-look for them? Your family?”

Nick sighs, wringing his hands. He lets his head rest against the wall. “I don’t know.” He averts his gaze from Troy’s scrutinizing one. “Maybe. I mean… I miss Alicia. But I wouldn’t even know where to start looking for her.”

“What about Madison?”

Nick’s eyes meet Troy’s, but Troy’s expression doesn’t give anything away. Nick doesn’t even know if…

“Troy… you remember… right?”

Now, Troy looks a little sad. “She d-did this,” he says, gesturing to his covered wound. “She’s still your mother. You love her.”

 _Yeah_ _, dumbass, but I love_ you _too._ “She’s dangerous, Troy,” he says instead. “I don’t know if I can even trust her with _my_ life, much less yours. I don’t know if I want her around either one of us.” When Troy doesn’t looked convinced, Nick says, “What if she snaps on you again, huh?”

Troy shrugs. “She’s s-still your mother,” he repeats.

Nick’s fingernails dig into his palm. “That’s not an excuse. Family can fucking suck.”

“I know,” is all Troy says in return. His eyes are icy, but Nick knows it isn’t directed at him. He doesn’t know if Troy _could_ even be angry with him anymore. At times, it seemed impossible to even get him to be mildly irritated.

Troy still seems sad, though, and Nick isn’t sure why. His friend turns, lying down on the bed so his eyes are staring holes into the ceiling.

Nick leaves him be, opening yet another mind-numbing book to pass the time.

It’s another hour until Troy speaks again. Nick is already well into his book, but he welcomes the distraction of his friend’s voice. “Do you believe in heaven?” He asks, so quietly that Nick isn’t even sure he said it. Nick turns his head to look at his friend, but Troy keeps his eyes locked on the ceiling. “I mean- n-not heaven- not exactly… just…”

“Something after?” Troy nods jerkily. Nick sighs, setting the book on the desk between the beds. “Maybe. I think I have to- somewhat, at least. If I don’t, then it makes losing people harder.” When Troy remains silent, Nick adds, “Ofelia, Travis, Chris… my dad… they deserve something after, since they weren’t at peace here.”

Troy’s eyebrows scrunch. “Who’s Chris?”

Nick allows a sad smile to cross his face. “My brother, kind of. He was Travis’s son.” He scratches the back of his neck. “He was lost, at the end. But he was a kid. He’d just lost his mom. He was still… he was still family, though. Blood or not.”

Troy gets this odd look of wonder on his face. Nick almost asks him about it, but Troy speaks instead. “You th-think that? That you can be family w-with someone you aren’t related to?”

Nick smiles. “Yeah… I mean… most of my family- they aren’t people I’m kin to.” Troy stays silent, and Nick feels the need to fill the silence. “Travis, he was the only person who believed me when this all started. I didn’t know what was worse; seeing my girlfriend eating someone, or it being something the drugs caused, something _my_ mind created. He went and looked though. He _believed_ me, even when mom and Alicia were convinced I was insane. When _I_ was convinced I was insane.”

Troy sits up. He seems intrigued. “Y-You were close?” 

“Not before.” Nick lets out a short laugh. “We didn’t really even speak much _after_. It was just… it was some unspoken thing. He knew he wasn’t my dad, and I knew he wasn’t trying to replace my dad. We never had to say that we cared about each other, because we knew that if it came down to it, we’d sacrifice our life for the other’s.”

“That’s… what family feels like to you?”

“Yeah, kinda. Not hesitating to give everything you have to each other. Knowing that they love you for who you are, your good _and_ your bad parts. Not caring what happens to yourself, as long as they’re safe.”

Troy goes quiet for a moment, before the smallest of smiles curls his lips. He casts a shy glance at Nick. “I… I think you feel like family.”

Nick can’t tell if his heart is full or broken, so he settles on saying, “You feel like family too.”

 

* * *

  

“Troy, come on, or I’m leaving your ass here! Then you can tell Daniel’s rotting corpse that you really _are_ a college boy!” Nick calls, tossing a bag into the bed of the truck Troy had hotwired.

“Who’s to say I’m not?” Troy’s breath is warm on his neck, and Nick jumps at the unexpected proximity. Troy laughs, backing away. Nick’s positive that he just had a heart attack.

“You’re a fucking dick, y’know that?” Nick mumbles, trying to fight a smile of his own.

“You’ve m-mentioned it.” Troy, ever the asshole, continues to smile like an idiot. 

Nick rolls his eyes. “Get in the truck, wiseass.” When Troy moves to get in the driver’s side, Nick says, “Hey! You’re crazy if you think I’m letting you drive. You got hit in the head with a hammer. _Twice_. You get shotgun.”

Troy huffs, but does as he’s told. Once they’re both settled into their respective seats, Troy says, “You’re a horrible dr-driver.”

Nick just grins.

After about five minutes of ( _perfectly decent, Troy, stop yelling every two seconds)_ driving, a very fidgety Troy asks, “Where _exactly_ are we goin’?”

Nick taps his fingers against the steering wheel, which earns a sharp glare from Troy. “Northeast. I’m thinkin’ one of the midwestern states. They aren’t as densely populated, which’ll be helpful. They’re less likely to be picked over.” With a grin he adds, “Plus, we won’t have to worry about dying of a heatstroke.”

Troy snorts. “Just tornadoes and fl-floods.”

“Why do I bother with you?”

“Thought we c-covered this already. Because you-”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Nick interrupts. His fingers curl tightly around the wheel. “I’m hopelessly in love with you, right?”

“I n-never said _in_ love. S-Somethin’ you wanna tell me, Nicky?” Nick wants to punch the grin of Troy’s face.  

“You know, you can be a real pain in the-”

Nick slams the breaks.

“N-Nick, what the-” Troy goes silent at the sight in front of them.

A girl had run out onto the road, Nick barely stopping in time to avoid hitting her.

Her clothes are old and tattered, and she’s covered in splatters of blood, the only clean part of her being from where tears had run down her cheeks. She looks as if she’s only mere seconds away from death.

And despite their windows being rolled up, Nick still hears the words that leave her mouth.

_“Help me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is halfway a filler chapter, but don’t worry, some major stuff is coming up ;)
> 
> Also: the comments I got on the last chapter were ridiculously sweet. I love and appreciate you guys with my whole heart. <3


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this incredibly short, incredibly awful chapter lmao

“No,” Troy says, reaching to lock the doors. 

“Troy,” Nick counters, his argument summed up in a word. He can already see Troy wavering. Nick nearly smiles at how easy it is.

“W-What if-”

“Hey,” Nick calls to the girl as he opens his door. He moves towards the girl slowly, one hand reached outwards, and the other close enough to his knife that he can reach it if necessary. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She’s young, twelve or thirteen at the most, with short, frizzy curls masking part of her face. She flinches as Nick reaches his hand to her shoulder. He retracts it immediately, guilt bubbling in his stomach. 

Of course she’d be afraid.

Troy half-stumbles out of the truck, choosing to remain behind his open door rather than come any closer. “Nick.”

Nick keeps his attention on the girl. “Can you tell me your name?”

She hesitates, and for a moment Nick thinks she won’t say anything. Then, so quietly he almost misses it, she whispers, “Mara.”

Nick smiles at her. “ _ Mara _ . Okay, do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

She looks down, clenching her hands in an apparent attempt to make them stop quivering. “My family…” she replies, “I can’t find my family.”

_ Shit _ . “Okay, um. Where did you see them last?”

She looks around for a moment, before she points north. “That way, I think. There were a lot of the dead… they were… I ran.”

Nick sighs. “That’s- that’s okay. Was your family okay, the last time you saw them? Did they get out?”

“I don’t know,” she sounds on the verge of crying again. Nick glances back at Troy, who looks annoyed. 

“Okay, I need to talk to my friend for a second. I’ll be right back, alright?” She nods, and Nick walks to Troy. 

“No,” Troy says, at least having the decency to speak quietly enough so Mara can’t hear. 

“ _ Troy _ .”

“C-Could be a trap.” Troy looks over at the girl again, seemingly searching for anything he could use against her.

Nick gives him the most unimpressed look he can muster. “She’s like… maybe twelve.”

“Her family isn’t.” His eyes are hard. “You’re too soft with k-kids.”

“And  _ you _ are paranoid.” Nick grins. “Are you tellin’ me you’re scared of a little girl?”

Troy doesn’t seem amused. “You c-can’t trust everyone.”

Nick glares at his friend. “I trust  _ you _ . I trusted you when everyone else told me not to.”

“And I’ve almost killed you. Several times! You’re jus-just an idiot.”

Nick just huffs, and turns back to the girl. “We’re gonna help you find your family, alright? We’ll get you there safely.”

The girl gives him a watery smile. “Thank you…” she trails off.

“I’m Nick.” He smiles warmly, then gestures to Troy. “And this is Troy.” She casts a nervous look in Troy’s direction. Nick plasters a reassuring smile on his face. “He acts mean, but he’s a softie.” He looks to the still-running truck, then back to the girl. “Do you feel comfortable getting in the truck? It’d be a lot faster than going on foot. I mean, we  _ can _ go on foot, if-”

“The truck is fine,” she says softly. 

Nick smiles. “Then, after you.” He tries not to sound patronizing, remembering how annoying affectionate adults seemed at Mara’s age. 

Nick waits until she’s clambered into the backseat before he gets in. Troy glares at him, slamming his door shut. Nick rolls his eyes, making sure Mara is completely settled before he begins the drive north. 

“We were headed north anyway, Troy Boy,” Nick points out. 

Troy wrinkles his nose slightly. “I know.”

Nick snorts. He notes Mara tilting her head in the back. 

“You aren’t from Mexico, are you?” She asks, voice steadier than before. 

“Nope. I’m from Los Angeles. Troy here,” Nick nudges Troy’s shoulder lightly, “lived on a ranch just a few hours north of the border.”

“How’d you get here?”

“Ah,” Nick almost doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t really sure himself. “Luck, mostly. My friend, his boyfriend had a yacht. It got us from LA to Mexico. Found the ranch by luck, but it got overrun. Then we found a dam, but I uh… I blew it up.”

Nick doesn’t miss the look of annoyance Troy gives him. “Kamikaze,” he says, just loud enough for Nick to hear. 

“That was you?” Mara asks, eyes lighting up.

“Yeah.” Nick grins. “Why? Am I famous?”

“Kinda.” A wide smile takes over her features. “You saved, like, a ton of people. They were dying of thirst, and then all of the sudden, the dam burst. It was like some kinda miracle. You’re a  _ hero _ .”

Even Troy seems to fight a smile at that. “Hear that, N-Nicky? A  _ hero _ .”

Nick sees the slight twitch of Mara’s brow at Troy’s stutter, but she doesn’t comment on it. Which, to be honest, is probably better for her safety. 

“Well, I guess there’s always a first time for everything.”

 

* * *

 

“Here!” Mara half-shouts after about half an hour of driving. Troy flinches slightly at the sound. 

Nick stops the truck, taking in their surroundings. 

They’re almost under an overpass, the bodies of the dead sprawled everywhere. The smell breeches the truck’s windows, making Mara let out a disgusted sounding cough. 

“There aren’t any wasted s-still walkin’,” Troy says quietly. “Your family do this?” He asks, addressing Mara for the first time. 

“I don’t know, I- I got scared. I ran. There were too many. I thought my family-”

“Do you want to check?” Nick murmurs. Her hands curl into fists, but she nods. 

As he steps out of the truck, he takes Troy’s words into consideration. There  _ aren’t _ any dead still walking, which is… bizarre. 

The herd lying in front of them is large enough to have caused significant noise, and he was almost certain guns would’ve been necessary to take them down.  _ Lots _ of guns. 

So, no wasted? Strange. 

Mara rushes around the corpses, scanning the face of each body as quickly as possible. Nick sends a worried glance back to Troy, who for some reason, looks nervous as well. 

He nears Nick, pointing down at a few of the wasted. “B-Bullet holes.” His eyes roam over the bodies ahead of them. He waded through the carnage, and Nick follows, waiting for the next inevitable observation. “It had t-to be a big group of people. Even if they had guns. There’s too many…” he trails off.

“What?”

Troy points at one of the walls of the underpass.

Written in blood (the blood of the dead, Nick assumes) is a message to Mara.

**_MARA. S EAST. FARM._ **

Nick tilts his head. “Hey, kid!”

“Yeah?” The girl asks, looking up from her task. Her eyes find the writing, and she bounds over. A hesitant smile creeps onto her face. “They're okay,” she breathes. 

Nick half expects something negative to leave Troy’s mouth. Something along the lines of _ “Or it’s a trap,” _ or  _ “Yeah, maybe one person.” _ Instead, his friend has an odd, almost wistful expression on his face.

“You have a farm?” Troy asks quietly. 

“Yeah,” Mara says. “It’s small- just enough for my parents and brothers, really. But it’s kept us safe.”

Nick thinks he’s imagining things when he sees Troy’s jaw clench at the mention of Mara’s brothers. 

Troy moves before Nick can dwell on it. His friend reaches into one of the nearby half-dissected bodies, and Nick is so startled by it that he can’t hold back his, “What the fuck, Troy?”

Troy uses his first two handfuls to cross out Mara’s name. Then, ever so slowly, begins spelling out something. 

When he steps back, Nick feels his heart swell with… well,  _ something _ . 

**_ALICIA. ~~MARA~~. S EAST. FARM. _ **

Mara worries her lip. “Alicia?”

“My sister,” Nick replies, slightly dazed. Troy doesn’t seem affected. 

“She won’t… she won’t hurt my family, will she?”

“Not if your family d-doesn’t hurt us first,” Troy says bluntly, walking back in the direction the truck. 

Nick shakes his head at Mara’s worried look. “Alicia won’t hurt you  _ or _ your family. Besides, I think if you wanted to hurt us, you would’ve already done it. You’re tough enough to take us both.” Nick grins, sending the young girl a wink.

She lets out a quiet laugh.

And Nick hopes that maybe, just this once, things will work out for the best.

 

* * *

 

They only make it about five miles before the truck goes dead. 

“Troy, what the hell? Did you not think to put any gas back here?” Nick asks, frustration evident in every word. He stares at the bed of the truck, hoping he’s just being an idiot and missing it. “Why would you  _ not _ pack gas?”

Troy raises an eyebrow. “That was  _ your _ job, first of all. Secondly, how would I get g-gas from a college campus?”

Nick huffs. Now he’s doubly pissed, because not only do they not have gas in the middle of the desert, but Troy was  _ right _ . The  _ audacity _ …

“We can walk, right?” Mara asks from the driver’s seat.

“Yeah. How long did you say it takes?”

“Well, it took us two days to drive to the bazaar.”

Nick hums. “The bazaar may take three or so hours to walk to. I say we stop there for the night, and then tomorrow we can find a car-  _ with gas, Troy _ \- and take you home.” Troy huffs, but nods slightly. 

“Thank you… again,” Mara says, moving to help with one of the smaller bags. 

“No problem,” Nick says with a grin. 

“Just no brain st-stems,” Troy warns, the tiniest of smiles curling his lips. 

Nick laughs, slinging his backpack over one shoulder. “ _ No _ . Never again, my friend.”

“Brain stems?” Mara questions. Troy arches a brow at Nick, smirking. Nick glares at him.

“I liked you better when you were crazy,” Nick mumbles to his friend. A quiet laugh leaves Troy’s lips, and Nick tries his best to remain angry. “Yeah, Mar. Brain stems.” He offers no further explanation, much to the girl’s obvious dismay. 

“I don’t like the bazaar much,” she says after a moment. 

“Why’s that?” Nick asks. Not that he really needs to.  _ He _ barely likes the bazaar and he’s an  _ adult _ . An ex-junkie at that. He can’t imagine how shitty the place must seem to a kid. 

“The people there are… bad.” Before Nick can ask what she means, she adds, “Plus, it’s dirty.”

Troy snorts. “Unders-statement of the century.” Mara laughs. 

Nick tries not to gush.

“So, uh, kid…” Troy starts, sounding mildly uncomfortable. Nick supposes Troy  _ should _ be uncomfortable. He’d never seen Troy interact with anyone younger than Alicia or Gretchen, and there hadn’t been more than a few kids at the ranch. “T-Tell us about your, uh… your farm.”

She huffs. “It’s not that interesting. We have a few cows, like… way too many chickens… um… we have dog!”

Nick can’t help but shiver. 

“What?” Mara asks. Her eyebrows scrunch. “Do you not like dogs?”

“I  _ did _ .” Nick lets a tiny smile curve his lips. “Until these two dogs decided that  _ they _ didn’t like  _ me _ .”

“Oh…” she frowns. “Well, our dog is little. She’s not scary. She likes  _ everyone _ .”

“She probably won’t like Troy.  _ I _ barely like him some days.”

“I s-said it once, I’ll say it again: you l-love me, poet.” Troy looks smug. Nick wants to punch him. “So, what about your family?” Troy asks, turning his attention back to Mara.

She slumps a bit at his words, and Nick almost tells Troy to leave her alone. “Like I said, it’s just me, my parents, and my brothers.”

“How many brothers do you have?” Nick asks, trying to distract her from the fact that she’s separated from her family.

“Three. Two older, one younger. Alex, Evan, and Lucas.” She smiles. “Lucas is seven. He’s my favorite.”

Nick grins. “My sister, she’s a year and half younger than me. It’s fun, having someone to boss around, isn’t it?”

Mara laughs. “Yeah. Especially when Alex and Evan boss  _ me _ around. It’s only fair.” She tilts her head slightly. “Is Alicia your only sister?”

“Yep. No brothers. Thank God.” He nearly shudders at the thought. 

“What about you?” She asks Troy. Nick tries not to freeze mid-step.  _ Please don’t blow up, please don’t blow up, please don’t blow up… _

His heart nearly stops in shock when Troy’s lips twitch upwards. “Y-Yeah. I had an older brother. Jake.” His voice sounds slightly strained.

Mara clearly notices the past tense, if the way her gaze drops says anything. “They’re the worst aren’t they?” She’s gone a little quieter, her tone a little gentler.

Troy looks like he’s reliving a million memories at one time. “Sometimes,” he agrees. “S-Sometimes they’re the best.” 

Nick remembers a gun being held to Troy’s head, Jake’s voice saying,  _ “No, little brother. You have to take this trip on your own,” _ just moments before… before Jake’s eyes had turned cloudy and Troy had whispered,  _ “Hey, brother,” _ one last time.

He wonders what Troy had thought of that made him think having a brother was the best.

“Maybe, um…” Mara says, glancing at Nick, “maybe your sister can come to my farm. I’d like to meet her.”

Nick offers her a small smile. “I’d like that, Mara.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually part of my original chapter 6, but I liked the other part better on its own. I really hate this chapter, but it’s important for the rest of the story so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
